Annoying But True

Dear God, all I ask for in the new year is a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix the two up like you did last year.
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Whenever a person on TV is being chased by a falling object like a boulder or a tree trunk, they always run directly away from it. Wouldn't a normal person take like 5 steps to the left?
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Let's all practice being polite. From now on, instead of saying "Holy sh*t!" we should say "Divine fecal matter!"
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I'm not Jesus, but I can turn water into Kool-aid.
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A key ring is a handy little device that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
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Guns don't kill people, people kill people.
Does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
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Pain is nature's way of saying "don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "no, it's okay. You can do that."
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Need to build an ark to save two of every creature?
I Noah guy.
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Girl: if you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.
Guy: if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
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Last night in my dream, I ate a gigantic marshmallow.
This morning when I woke up, my pillow was gone.
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I like to hold my cat up in the air and sing The Circle of Life.
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So much crap comes out of your mouth your ass is jealous.
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing beehive and thought "those bastards are hiding something delicious, i know it!"
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I like turtles because they're so chill. They're like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm not in a rush, cause I'm a turtle."
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The penis enlarger I bought on ebay last week arrived today. Just opened it and found that this bastard sent me a magnifying glass.
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM this morning. 3AM!! Can you believe that!? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my drums.
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Next time a chiropractor cracks my neck, I'm just gonna go limp and see if he freaks out.
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First we had the mad cow disease, then bird flu, then swine flu. What is this, farmageddon?
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Pandas are awesome cause they're black, white, and asian at the same time.
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Bella: Your always cold, and pale. You can't come out in the sunlight... I know what you are.
Edward: Say it out loud.
Bella: A snowman...
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*listening to Grenade by Bruno Mars*
Catch a grenade for her? Why the hell is this bitch getting a grenade thrown at her in the first place?
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"Horatio, a man was found dead in a McDonalds restaurant."
"Well I guess he...
(puts on sunglasses)
...didn't have a happy meal."
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH~!!
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"Horatio, there were traces of semen found in the victim's ears."
"Well I guess our victim...
(puts on sunglasses)
...heard the killer coming."
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH~!!
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"Horatio, the victim barely survived being beaten with a telephone."
"Well I guess that was...
(puts on sunglasses)
...a close call."
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH~!!


Enjoy...
~Twitchy Nichii

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